I had done the planning, the swatching, the washing, the blocking and the fabric was great. When I started to knit the actual sweater, however, it didn't look right. I don't know why. It just didn't.
As I sat there, that pile of yarn became more than just a frogged sweater. It became a metaphor for how I have been feeling about life in general lately. I've had a big change recently, and am readjusting. The change was necessary and planned (elaborately, with room for contingencies) but has been more difficult than anticipated. I have felt depressed, displaced, alone, and a bit. . .unraveled.
While winding the yarn back into the neat and tidy ball I had started with, I wondered if I was stuck in this emotional cesspool because I had made plans that were too elaborate; too complicated, and tangled. It's really strange to say that because up until that moment, I had been following my plan to the letter, and been successfully meeting my goals. I shouldn't have been depressed or feeling displaced.
Even though I have been successfully completing everything I wanted to do, maybe that isn't what I really need right now. I think I have been fighting a battle of ego. As wonderful as success has been, perhaps it isn't the right kind of success for me. I'm ready to quit feeding my ego the superficial food it thinks it needs. It's time to go "unprocessed" and stop relying on external accomplishment for worth.
I've started knitting with my yarn again, but this time it's a simple pattern. It's amazing. The fabric is perfect. It looks right. It makes me happy.
Perhaps it's time to accept the lesson delivered through my knitting and simplify the plan. I think I will. I feel better already.